The Stinky Caveman Who Never had a Girlfriend [Illustration by Shinod AP]
The Stinky Caveman Who Never had a Girlfriend [Illustration by Shinod AP]

This is a story about a caveman who had never had a girlfriend in his life and you’ll find out why.

In a deep cave lived a terrifying, threatening, scary-looking ugly creature called Slobberpot. He ate everything he saw. If he saw a stone, he ate it. If he saw a person, he ate him. If he saw his friend, he ate him too. Slobberpot was the fattest, biggest and most enormous creature living. All he could say was ‘Boomba’.

One day, as Slobberpot was walking around slithering and looking for something he could eat, he saw another creature just like him (female, that is) He shouted, “Boomba, boomba, boomba”, banging his head. Hearts flew out from his head and he became the thinnest cave man living!

One day, she was in her Stone Age house, washing ragged clothes. Slobberpot went to Sloberesspot and said, “Boomba, boomba, boomba?” (Which means in the English language “You want to have a candle-lit dinner?"). Sloberesspot said, “Aaboo, aaboo, aaboo, aaboo?” meaning, “Ain’t your mother told you to sit at home sweeping floors instead of hanging around with us old ladies?”

Slobberpot replied, “Boomba boomba boomba boomba?” meaning, “How old you are?” Sloberesspot answered, “Aaboo aaboo, aaboo.” – translated, “I’m 70 years old.”

Slobberpot was heartbroken. His fluttering heart quietened. His thin self became the enormous fat Slobberpot of the past. The caveman walked sadly around, feeling most miserable. You know, that was his fourteenth heartbreak!

Some days later, Slobberpot saw another female Slob, named Slobbypot. He ran to her like a jet airplane, which was not invented back then…maybe he just invented it! So anyway, he ran to her and banged his head the hardest rock he could find. (I forgot to tell you, but the Slobs didn’t have any brains).

Back to the story now – he took a deep look at her and said, “Boomba boomba boomba!” understood in another language as “Wait a second, this is my tenth girlfriend!” But Slobbypot was running as fast as she could, away from him.

And this is why Slobberpot didn’t have a girlfriend – He stunk, he smelled and most of all, he looked Ugly. They should have invented aftershaves long back!

Other cavemen always smelt nice because they took a nice bath. Slobberpot never took a bath. So on Valentine’s Day, all the cavemen had female company. They all went for cave dancing. Slobberpot was sitting at home in his cave, getting bored as ever.

Moral for all cavemen, boys, men – Whenever looking for a girlfriend, always remember to have a bath and put on aftershave!

447 words | 4 minutes
Readability: Grade 6 (11-12 year old children)
Based on Flesch–Kincaid readability scores

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